"You didn't have to do that."

I’m curious how many of you, like me, have used this statement as a reply to someone’s unexpected gesture: “You didn’t have to do that.” It has always come as an automatic response. I am not even sure where I “learned” it.  You know, the response to such things as:

·      An unexpected gift given to you just because…you are appreciated for just  being you;

·      An unexpected phone call to see how you are doing after a variety of life moments, or simply to say you had been in their thoughts;

·      Someone offering to interrupt or rearrange their day to take you to a doctor appointment;

·      Someone calling to tell you they want you to use their car that day because yours is in the shop and they know you have been looking for a new job and likely have appointments;

·      Someone dropping by your house with meals for the next three days because they know you are at the hospital all day as one of your parents is leaving this physical life “at any time now” and they figured you didn’t have time to think about food;

·      A card coming in the mail with Starbucks gift card and message that says, “I enjoy our coffees together. I enjoy you.  Have a moment of coffee and joy on me.”

Frankly, I never gave it much thought until a few days ago, and then I was triggered to write about it after the events of this morning. It happened at 5:12 AM in the NWA WorldPerks Club in…I’d better not be specific because these days it’s better not say where-who-how specifics because of the many “whatever the heck” reasons you shouldn’t use specifics to protect the innocent, the guilty, “X” advocacy group, the whales, the trees, the FBI, Jack Bauer or heaven forbid to become a social issue that ends up being dissected into bio-waste by the best political analyst team anywhere on CNN. But, here’s the question that popped open like a thought balloon in my mind after my “You didn’t have to do that” reply:

“So, why didn’t you just say ‘thank you?’ Duh, of course they didn’t have to do that. ”

Truth is (if I am honest) that ‘thank you’ is the first phrase that comes to mind. And then it happens: my grey matter does its thing and within a fraction of an instant I have done an historical recap of my life cultural mores and what’s right-wrong-deserved-undeserved-accepted-rejected-presumptuous-flirtatious-politically incorrect-kind-loving-hypocritical-placating-honoring-insightful-theologically flawed-insulting-acknowledging-damning-redemptive-obsessive-compulsively suspicious.  

What’s with that?

Here’s my point to this, thanks largely to Kim and Kaye (see, I told you both that your names would be floated eternally out into the linguistic bliss of the universe!) at the WorldPerks Cub in…. J It happened as the result of starting off for a week of fun, sun, food & drink while enjoying the thrills of bullet, kidnap and machete dodging in Mexico. All this to celebrate the belated 60^th birthday of my brother, Alan (guess you have to share the ether with K&K!) with a friend. We’re at the airport at freaking 5:10 AM to catch this flight, and as a result of the “billions and billions” of miles I travel on business (yes, I am seemingly on an astronomical bent – thanks, Carl Sagan, wherever you are) am trying to do the “can I please, please, please bring this nice, and yes a bit whiny, friend along with me up to first class?” request. The short and long of the entire saga is the result of our checking in at the kiosk and “declining” the $175 upgrade offer due to my confidence of getting the “sure you can” response I have garnered in the past.

“Oh, we’re so sorry, Mr. Kagan. We no longer offer the complimentary upgrades and, even worse, now that you declined the offer that is only offered at the kiosk… YOU CANNOT GO BACK and change it after you have declined. It’s just a one time, right here, right now deal.”  After the commensurate “Is there anyone else you can call or speak to” question, you realize you have been duped and dumped by a computer kiosk!  Disappointed, but accepting our now digitally enhanced class-separating fate we proceeded to the WorldPerks Club for some quiet time before the 4.5 hour flight south. That’s where we began a most wonderful “you didn’t have to do that” moment. We stood at the desk and had a delightful conversation starting with our predawn class-less events, then transitioned to life’s ambiguities about the current state of  human versus technological interaction; voice mail, email, Twitter, Facebook, 24 different (maddening) phone prompts just for the chance to speak to a real person. Kim and Kaye were wonderful, and I couldn’t help but think how fortunate I was, that through my disappointment of not getting what I wanted, instead I received what I was given in the form of a chance meeting and exchange of “goods” between four people in an errant moment in time. Chance. Clearly, it was an upgrade of the most important kind of flying. And once again I am reminded of Don Henley’s disarming line from My Wedding Day: “To want what I have, and take what I’m given with grace….”

We’re walking to the gate, recapping about the pre-dawn gift of this interaction, when my cell phone buzzes. Not recognizing the number I answer, “Hello.”

“Mr. Kagan, this is Kim from the WorldPerks Club. I’m calling to let you  know that I just spoke with the gate agent. I told her the story about this morning, that you are really nice people and that even though I NEVER ask agents for anything I really would appreciate if there’s anything you can do from them.”

So, here we are flying at 37,500 feet, high above the earth in first class. Kim went out of her way. She didn’t have to do that. “Thank you.”

_________________________________________________

And now… I think about other people who have gone out of their way for me:

Somewhere in Iraq or Afghanistan a soldier will sacrifice his or her life for my freedom, and that of another people. He or she didn’t have to do that.

“Thank you.”

Nelson Mandela sacrificed years of his life in prison for the freedom and rights of his people. He didn’t have to do that.

“Thank you.”

Ghandi sacrificed his life for the freedom and rights of his people. He didn’t have to do that.

“Thank you.”

Jesus sacrificed his life for the freedom and rights of all people. He had to do that. “Thank you.”  

You didn’t have to read this.

“Thank you.”

For emphasis -  (b)