“Caribbean Vacation" (not starring Chevy Chase).” Part 1

*Note to my readers: The following is a departure from my typically random column entry topics; it's a full story. It's probably something like a novella, or novelette or novelocity. This is largely in response to one of my "starstruck" readers who has encouraged me to commit myself to one theme. To see if I can manage my A.D.D. over an extended period of time AND hold the attention of all (3) of my loyal fans. So, here's the deal: give me the first two or three entries and let me know if you are enjoying it. I might even try the "S" word: survey (all my Jewish buddies are cringing and saying, "Oy vey, not another sur vey!"

Here we go...

I watched the movie Christmas Vacation the other day. My stomach ached laughing at Chevy Chase’s antics and mishaps trying to plan the perfect family vacation at Wallyworld. What an idiot! And candidly, I was a little pissed off at how bad it made us men look; bungling, egotistical, stubborn, prideful, haughty, know-it-alls. But, I am a mature adult male and know how to control my emotions.

After the movie, I switched back to cable mode and immediately saw a commercial promoting travel to the Bahamas. And that brought back memories of a saga about which I have wanted to write for almost twenty years. I’ll let you be the judge if you concur that it carries wisdom for the male species of all ages, colors, shapes, sizes, cultures and dispositions: never ever should a guy try, alone, to plan a surprise “exotic” dream vacation. Never.” Now, I know there are women out there nodding in agreement; there’s probably even some men who are rolling their eyes, puffing up their chest, flexing their pectorals and grabbing their crotch (it’s a guy thing) while making prehistoric throaty sounds. But stay with me on this, read my testimony and then judge for yourself.

It was the noblest of gestures; I wanted to plan something exotic and memorable to celebrate Valerie’s 40th birthday. We’d always made birthdays a big deal in our family; the entire week leading up to the actual birthday was designated for pampering the Kagan honoree. And this was clearly a year warranting a 40th Birthday Extravaganza of Olympian Proportions.

READER NOTE: I am a creative type. Creative types have gargantuan egos (if you’re one, get over yourself and admit it – you know I’m right!) and are never satisfied with just OK, Good or Fine. We respond most effectively to amazing, cool, fantastic and wow situations.

So, when I watched that TV commercial for Bahamas tourism the lights started flashing. “Oh yeah baby, that’s it. I’m going to take my lovely bride, my queen, to the paradisiacal waters of the Caribbean.”

I instantly enjoyed vivid images dancing across my mind like the titillating promo for a new Oscar-worthy love story:

• Clear, crystalline waters lapping indolently onto our sleepy (private) white linen beach, tickling our toes while we strolled to the tranquil refrain of palms…and romance;
• Quiet nights lounging languidly on the deck of our opulent schooner, counting falling stars as they skip across the universe…and romance;
• Attired in cotton ecru suppleness for our dreamy banquet of champagne and luxuriant island delicacies…and romance;
• Tender touches, lingering amorous glances, kisses…and oh yes, romance.

The trajectory was defined. My strategy unfolded with the kind of confidence, resolve and demeanor of other historic men of romantic chivalry: Lancelot (First Knight, Richard Gere version), William Wallace (Braveheart, Mel Gibson version), Robin Hood (Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, Kevin Costner version) and James Bond (duh, the Sean Connery version). I was on a mission.

The next day I stopped in to visit the small travel agency in the office complex where I worked in San Francisco. The young woman working the small office greeted me with a warm smile, and then asked that fateful question: “Hi, I’m Leslie. Is there a travel idea I could assist you with?”

“Well, glad you asked, Leslie. I do have a specific vision for a very special 40th birthday surprise for my wife. And I’m planning it myself.” I thought I detected an aquamarine twinkle in Leslie’s eyes; staccato clips of Sean, Mel, Richie and Kev flared up before me. Before she could reply I cleared my throat, stood taller and continued, “I have vision…something with an exotic Caribbean vibe. I want it to be an experience she will never forget.” Delivery: flawless. I awaited her response.

“My, what a cool thing to do, especially for a man. I don’t see this very often. I’d love to help you make your vision come true.”

That’s all she had to say. My entire upper body swelled. I resisted freeing the throaty grunt welling up in my vocal chords and the urge to grab my groin. The fireworks of my imagination were launched. Step aside Sean. The rendezvous of unparalleled passion and adventure in a Caribbean paradise had begun.

For emphasis (...and romance).
(b)