"#2. How do you take your toast?" PRT: 1:58 (Really; it just looks long!)

On March 16, 2009 I wrote the following note into my journal while on a Puerto Vallarta vacation in Jalisco, Mexico:

"SPECIAL NOTE: I just spoke to Victoria who shared the news of her being pregnant with my continuing seed. To your glory, Lord.  Amen"

In November of this year I will be blessed with my second grandchild; through God’s grace and love. It is the first child of my daughter and her husband Rick. For me, a chance to be a “2X Grand Dude.” OK, I admit that I planted the seed of that name which has caught on with my 3-year-old grandson, Kinley (aka Captain Bubble Killer from a prior entry). I know some of you are saying “You’re supposed to let the child come up with the name they want to call you,” or “You should have let John and Schbvonne (Kinley’s parents) choose” and the other things “they say” you should and should not do. Well, being that my counselor Jim has officially diagnosed me as a “recovering narcissistic jerk” (he actually used “a*shole” in place of “jerk” but I didn’t want to offend anyone reading this) and I have given up on believing “they” because I refuse to listen to anyone…who is really no one; ergo, Grand Dude.

The “seed” thing: For clarification, let me begin by saying that I adore and cherish my son and daughter. Each member of my family is life’s real treasure. And to those of you wrinkling your brow, those who know the story of my recent divorce from Valerie, let me say that we might not be married in the terms of this world…and my committed love for her and my children are eternal. That said, John is also my stepson; our lives merged when he was 4-years-old. I have only ever referred to him as my son…because that is what he is to me. I am blessed beyond words to play my part as one “Dad” in his life.

This writing is about the power of legacy. Those things we leave behind. A dictionary definition: anything handed down from the past, as from an ancestor or predecessor. Early on in their marriage, Victoria and Rick determined not to have children, largely due to the overwhelming issues with population and orphaned children in the world (the pain, size and discomfort thing also weighed in from Victoria’s POV). As the one “blood” connection to my seed, or as I like to call it - my Brian “ness,” I accepted the fact that the branches of the “Kagan tree” would end with Victoria. Totally cool; and I admit there was a sense of finality. Thinking of my Dad’s passing five years ago. Thinking about the whole Dad thing.  And that thought led me to a “Dad and daughter” moment some five years ago. A wedding day. A Jalisco afternoon by the water. Sunset. And a toast I gave and left behind to the new couple, inspired by the incomparable instrumental, “The Giving,” from Michael W. Smith’s Freedom. The following picture was captured at the moment when she played “The Giving” to me as the song to which she wanted to walk down the aisle with me. The other picture is what I turned to see at the moment I walked with her, into the giving.

In the Giving

Then…Now…Always

1.   Then… June 6, 1999

I see you sleeping in frog dreams, on moist green leaves floating…floating.

I see the roads of generations smiling upon each other.  Wrinkled. Soft. Precious.

I see myself meeting you coming the other way down the road.  The wind blows the leaves from the path with which I was familiar.

I see you under the envious eyes of a fat July moon.  Fireflies dance around your silken  hair and bless you with stars.  Your eyes spill in milk white confetti.

I see you from the other side.

I see you through the waves as they break lazily across my eyes leaving trails of salt and shimmering warmth.

I see you reaching out to catch the rest of your life.

I see you in the fluorescent green glow of the deco clock that has been my sole companion in the early morning hours as I wait for your car lights

to wash the pavement and soothe my fears.

I see you sitting on cabinet mountaintops playing hide and seek, and gathering

the distant shores of your imagination hiding them secretly in your pocket.

I see yesterday.

I see a blue and gold nick in time; your firework eyes illuminating the room

and exploding with laughter.

I see someone else in the hiding places that once were ours alone.

Then.

2.  Now… May 14, 2004

You drove away silently in the mist of a smoky Tennessee morning.

You left behind what was, for everything that is to be.

You left behind the warmth of laughter, innocence, and your sky of roses, folding memories between the sweet breaths of a black puppy.

You were not alone, the radiance of your new love lighting the road.

The roses remain, bowing in honor to the light and love with which

you fill each room that you enter.

I have seen your years unfold with the promise of adventure

and undiscovered lands.

And today confetti birds chattered and giggled all morning

in anticipation of the celebration.

Palm hosts with long slender fingers directed the evening guests with slow, crescent moon smiles.

Emerald voices mingled among the rolling Jalisco waves, cheering as they arrived on shore and filling the room with whispers of blessings and joy.

And then, I gave you away.

A deep part of me is now missing…and replaced with the glorious woman you have become, the wonderful son I have gained, and the image of your intertwined hearts that fills my soul like gossamer bubbles rising in the ocean of my soul.

Now.

3.  Always

Here’s our toast to you and Rick -- May you find every treasure you seek, live everything you dream out loud, share each moment with wide open arms, that your challenges melt away like snowflakes on your tongue, that you end each day with “I love you”, and that you always hold your shared hearts high above your heads like a father who once lifted his tiny daughter, a single sparking diamond, up to the warm embrace of a summer moon.

Remember – all of God’s blessings are in the giving.

Always.  Dad

5.14.04

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More to follow….

If you have an additional 3:18 to invest, and you haven't heard it, favor yourself and watch/listen to this (unauthorized) YouTube version of The Giving: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=13vkWhKQq1Y. 

The entire album is totally amazing. Just sayin.